Caption Competition 19: David Coulthard

Caption Competition

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Former F1 driver turned BBC commentator and DTM racer David Coulthard has been in America doing a demonstration run for Red Bull this week.

This involved a visit from the Weehawken, New Jersey police force – and seemed a perfect picture for a Caption Competition.

So share your comedy caption in the comments below and look out for the pick of the best in the daily round-up.

Caption Competition

Browse all previous Caption Competitions

Image via Red Bull on Twitter

Author information

Keith Collantine
Lifelong motor sport fan Keith set up RaceFans in 2005 - when it was originally called F1 Fanatic. Having previously worked as a motoring...

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109 comments on “Caption Competition 19: David Coulthard”

  1. DC: “I’m a racing driver, don’t you think I know where the steering wheel is…”

    1. First one wins it, for me :)

  2. “Who do you think you are, Lewis Hamilton?”

    1. That’s because of those burnouts right?

      1. It’s a reference to how Stirling Moss got pulled over by plods for speeding or something, and the officer said “Who do you think you are, Stirling Moss?”. He didn’t realise who he was talking to.

        1. Was actually a Citreon TV or VW Golf advert on in the 70s or 80s =)

  3. -I know I was going a bit too fast but otherwise I wouldn’t have enough downforce…

    1. Masterpiece.

    2. I really like this one, but i think I have a good one as well.
      Officer: Son, you had the stereo too loud.

  4. Officer: “get in there buddy!”…..
    DC: “wait a minute, I am DC” ….
    Officer: “Well, here is NJ, and you got yourself a ticket”

  5. “Sorry to bother you, Mr Coulthard. Someone mentioned doughnuts and we thought we’d better check it out.”

    1. Nice :)

    2. Very good.

    3. Awesome!!!

    4. @red-andy Pretty good!

  6. Officer: “Yeah yeah excuses, excuses. Mr. Coulthard, this picture is definitely you, right?, and look at the speed of your car 205mp/h. And now look at the sign right there in the corner. It says 35 right? What do you think that means?”

  7. DC: “Yes officer I saw the speed limit sign, I just didn’t see you”

  8. “Sir I have official papers from the Queen of Eng…”
    “Queen of who?!”

  9. Welcome back to America.

  10. We came down to check out your coke bottle. Can you tell us how it works?

  11. Officer: “You did over 200mph in a 35 zone. Who do you actually think you are? A racing driver?”

    1. Nice one!

  12. DC: Why do you arrest me?
    Officer (Whiting): For causing a collision. So you will have a drive-through penalty.
    DC: What is that?
    Officer: What Pastor Maldonado does every race.

    1. Maybe you could do it like a fast food restaurant… Drive Thru Penalty (no advertising or otherwise intended)!

    2. nice!!! i like!!!

  13. Officer: “Get into the car!”
    DC gets into the car.
    Officer: “Now could you teach me how drive faster, I want to be the quickest cop in road chases!”

  14. Where are your tail lights sir?

  15. Cop : “Sir, we are stopping you because we believe your Jawline is illegal”

    DC : “wHHA… ? ”

    Cop : ” Please try and put you face through this legality template… ” *holds up one of those templates like you get in the postoffice*

  16. Police: “You were going 300 clicks!”
    DC: “Was that too slow?”

  17. Police: “You’re getting a ticket for that. Now how do you spell Coulthard?”
    DC: “Yeah, it’s H-A-M-I-L-T-O-N”

    1. davidnotcoulthard
      19th August 2012, 11:27

      Cop: ” “HAMILTON”?That doesn’t seem to read “Coulthard”, ah well, I suppose that’s how they spell it in Scottish Gaelic….”

  18. Todd (@braketurnaccelerate)
    18th August 2012, 11:15

    Cop: “Here’s my patrol car. It can do 140mph”
    Coulthard: “Oh…. That’s nothing, I was just doing 190 through the tunnel in my F1 car!”
    Cop: “F1 car? What’s that?”
    Coulthard: “A race car. You know, like on a race track”
    Cop: “OHHHH. NASCAR!!”
    Coulthard: “Noooo… F1 Car”
    Cop: “Yea…. NASCAR!”
    Coulthard: “Ok… NASCAR!”

  19. davidnotcoulthard
    18th August 2012, 11:21

    “Mr. Policeman, I, as Red Bull’s representative, am arresting you for disturbing Sebastian Vettel during his run at New Jersey a few weeks ago. The fine will be US$666,777,666 and you’ll have 6 days to pay.”

  20. DC was soon to find out, offering his ‘services’ to Policemen in the US didn’t mean the same as in the UK.

  21. Officer: “Scottish, you say? Then how come you don’t sound anything like Sean Connery?”

  22. DC: If I hide in here i’ll never be involved in a caption competition!!

    1. davidnotcoulthard
      18th August 2012, 12:06

      Fantastic paradox! Beautiful!

  23. Mr Couthard, I’m not aware of ‘British’ humour, but thats Our police district, not an invitation to relieve yourself on the passenger seat

  24. Coulthard: “So, do you really give out the death penalty for stealing chicken?”

  25. Shotgun!!!

    1. ha! my favourite so far!

  26. ‘Excuse me sir, it appears your jaw is causing an obstruction…’

    1. ‘Do you have a permit for that chin?’

  27. “I’m sorry, Michael was chasing me”

  28. “you’ve got the wrong man, THE WRONG MAN! It’s Eddie Jordan who wears the shirts, JORDAN! J…O…R….”

  29. ‘Who do you think you are?! David Coulthard?!’

  30. DC arrested for driving without valid insurance following manual ride height adjustments

  31. Good aft… Oh, other side, damn yank cars… So, good afternoon office, super license and registration, please!

  32. “On the run since Belgium 1998 – finally got ya, punk!”

  33. officer*

  34. The illegalities found on the RB8 eventually came back to haunt Red Bull….

    1. Finally a good one.

  35. “You wanted me to pull it over to the… ‘curb?’ I’m not sure what you… Oh, CAIRB! Yes, I can pull to the cairb.”

  36. Man who drive like hell, bound to get there.

  37. Matt (@agentmulder)
    18th August 2012, 14:21

    In an effort to connect with an American audience, David reinacted a scene from the popular TV show, “Jersey Shore.”

    1. ha ha +1

  38. “Previously on CSI Scotland…”

  39. “We don’t care if you consider it your greatest moment in F1. You just do not overtake anyone with a raised middlefinger. Let alone a police officer!!”

  40. DC: “Excuse me, officer, do you know how slow you were going?”

  41. I’m sorry sir put your wing was flexing too much!

  42. DC: “Weehawken Police? Well I’m hawkin’ a fizzy drink, beat that!”

  43. police officer: so you was doing 190 mph in hudson tunnel…can i have your driving license please

  44. Officer: I have caught the scotch driver.

  45. Michael Brown (@)
    18th August 2012, 17:41

    Now I know how Lewis Hamilton feels

  46. officer – you f1 driver?
    DC -Ya!!!!
    officer – Lewis Hamilton!!!!
    DC- Sir, please arrest me.

  47. Officer: How do you spell your last name, sir?
    DC: M A L D O N A D O

    1. Winner !

  48. “Wait a minute… this isn’t my DTM Mercedes, and you’re not Ralf!”

  49. you have to beleive me, Formula 1 cars don’t have a head light

  50. @keithcollantine you gotta add your captions as well :-)

  51. Not my problem you couldn’t record my speed.

  52. Thinks to himself: ‘Must call Didi. NOW.’

  53. DC: “I insist officer, I didn’t activate the DRS”

  54. you mean Bernie Eccelstone – short, annoying, really old and extremely condescending…….. no, I don’t know him. Can I go now?

  55. Hawken decided to rename itself in honour of a famous Scot who visited it’s quiet patch.

  56. “I’m sorry officer that I had to go round that corner at a million miles per hour because if I was doing thirty, I would’ve crashed..”

  57. Officer: come and have a look – our telemetry shows you’re loosing time at the entrance to the tunnel and on the main tunnel straight.
    DC: that’ s everywhere! Just like in the old days with Mikka…

  58. in stead of making a demonstration doughnut can i have one?

  59. Cop: so you are telling me that your car has 750hp from a 2.5L engine, and then you push this little magic button, and you have over 800? What kind of black magic you working with here!?

  60. Officer: “Did you practice all the 117 excuses, for doing 6 times the speed limit, on the way here, or are you just improvising?”

  61. “Do you snort when you laugh, or is your chin farting at me?”

  62. DC: “But she said she was 18!”

  63. DC:”A ticket ,for driving an F1 car? Seriously?”

  64. Hmm. Your computer is much bigger than mine.

  65. “Excuse me officer, is there anywhere to get some decent haggis around here?”

  66. DC: But sir, I was driving on the “right” side of the road…

  67. Instead of making a doughnut i want to eat one. Any here? wow

  68. DC: “So you must be the American Bernd, …right ?! What’s with the conditions out there on track ?”

    (Bernd Mayländer is the official F1 SafetyCar-Driver)

    1. A joke isnt so good when you have to explain the punchline.

  69. Your street demo’s closed our doughnut shack. That’s a federal offence!

  70. Is it because im Bla…..

  71. The fashion police crackdown on the BBC F1 team was finally under way.

  72. “Yeah, I brake-checked Michael, so what? You’re the police, not the goddamn Ferrari International Assistance(FIA).”

  73. “… But officer I keep telling you I had NOTHING to do with the BBC-Sky coverage deal.”

  74. While the fashion police capture Mr. White Jeans, his partner Mr. Colourful Shirts is still at large

  75. DC: Ok Mr Director, Lesley Neilson’s just behind me, so let’s get on with this new Police Squad movie.

  76. DC: I was told you guys like doughnuts …

  77. Aye, I’ll get in…..but put the massage beads back on the seat first.

  78. Even seat no.2 with you guys?

  79. Shake ‘n’ bake!..That’s what you say here for sure?

  80. “Och, aye. Ah went to school with a wee Hawken when I was just a little laddie”

  81. Rosberg4WDC2012
    20th August 2012, 10:45

    Stop in the name of team orders, Klien wants a go.

  82. Officer: Who do yous think your are an F1 driver?
    DC: Yup, what about the ticket?
    Officer: Welcome to jersey fagetaboutit!

  83. Officer: (while searching DC) Do you know where you going?

    DC: Yes I am going to my event to show off my moves but the
    roads in America are in the wrong direction.

  84. I DID have permission, officer!

  85. DC, Really thoughtful of you to have my taxi painted in the Scottish colours.
    It will match my helmet nicely.

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